Bullying is the New Black

You better hope to God your kid gets bullied at some point in his/her life...and the earlier on the better. I firmly believe bullying is the key to what we're now calling a "mental health crisis" in the US and the truth is our lives may very well depend on it. Not following? Bare with me...we'll get there:

We've morphed from the concept that "I am free to think differently" into an expectation that "my thoughts (and actions), no matter how different or strange, must be respected and validated".  The need to see our individuality validated is predominately a modern American phenomenon...but there is a difference between carving out legislation to recognize individuality and true tolerance; meaning we can make it illegal to discriminate or act on prejudices publicly but that does not eradicate hateful or discriminatory thoughts. In fact, certain legislation can at times make it more difficult to detect the injustices that previously resided on the surface. 

And so here's my point: we can only fight and navigate through what we can see. The idea it is possible to reach a state of utopia, completely free from judgement and prejudices, is a fairy tale. And in our effort to promote this fairy tale we've allowed people to slip through the cracks and grow up to become very scary and threatening adults. I'm referring to the "weirdos" and we all know who these people are. We interact with them daily and can't quite put our finger on it but they're different. And not in a creative or artistic way. They make us uncomfortable- but God forbid we should say something about it! We don't want to be offensive, after all. So we keep our thoughts to ourselves. 

Call it Political Correctness. Call it what you want but we've permitted behaviors that would seem to indicate minor to severe mental dysfunction that would have raised serious red flags a few decades ago to go on with little or no opposition for fear of seeming intolerant or insensitive. But there are "differences" of opinion, religious conviction, lifestyle, etc...then there's just plain "weird" and we owe it to society to call attention to the weirdos because if we don't let them know they're weird, how will THEY ever know their concept of reality is off?

To my point above, we can attempt to shield our kids from bullying, from injustices, from ridicule. But insulating them by promoting utopia does not eradicate the underlying prejudices. Kids make fun of kids. Kids push other kids around. Kids take other kids' lunch money. Kids are little assholes. But did we forget how crucial these experiences were to us in our development? We learned how to cope with rejection, defend ourselves with words (or with fists, if necessary), be diplomatic, navigate the politics of relationships, and we learned what was and was not considered socially acceptable before we ever became adults. Take those experiences away and every year we run the risk of graduating a new class of young adults into society who do not have the skills to cope with the harshness of the real world. 

"He always seemed a little off"..."He dressed strangely and kept to himself"..."There was always something weird about him"..."He didn't have many friends"...are the ways in which people often describe those who have carried out the disgusting crimes against the innocent in mass shootings over the last 20 years. The realizations are always in hindsight - the validation of odd behavior always comes after the tragedy. But what if this person's behavior was discussed openly much sooner? What if the weirdo factor was called out the moment it began to manifest itself? What if he were permitted to feel awkward about his odd thoughts instead of being allowed to operate unabated, finding an online forum where he could reinforce his destructive tendencies with other weirdos who slipped through the cracks of society...what if he were bullied as a child for being...well...weird?

The truth is no one knows the answer to that question but there are two possible outcomes: 1) He would have been forced to learn how to cope with rejection early in life, forcing his emotional development and would have found it to be easier to abandon unhealthy thoughts and assimilate to social norms of what is generally considered appropriate, morally right or wrong, etc.  Or 2) He would have been pushed to the breaking point as an adolescent, acting out in ways that would make it easier to identify a true mental instability long before he be permitted to enter society, hold down a job, buy a gun, etc. 

No one wants to see their child cry after being emotionally accosted...but if kids are not allowed to face open judgement, harsh words, ill intent, and ridicule, they will never learn to cope with and navigate these very real challenges they're destined to face in adulthood. What we should do is talk with kids and teach them coping skills when these altercations take place as opposed to trying to eliminate or hide the behavior. 

Learning to cope with adversity and rejection supports a society of adults who can actually handle their shit and won't fly off the handle and lash out when they lose a job or break up with a girlfriend.  So please, encourage your kids to call it like they see it and let them get their feelings hurt. They need it. While we're at it you really should stop worrying about offending others and should do the same. If there's awkwardness, call it out. It's your responsibility to society. 

 

Your Friends Suck

Your friends suck. You haven't come to recognize it yet but chances are they are not really friends at all; they're people you spend time with and with whom you share some things in common. But they don't actually care about you. Not most of them, anyway...and we both know it's time to make some changes and I'm here to tell you it's okay. If your circle is not changing, you are not growing. 

Don't believe me? Let's first discuss what true friendship is. We likely have different criteria to be considered for this exclusive membership of sorts but one thing cannot be debated: any meaningful relationship should be based on "selfless reciprocity". Meaning, you do for another without the expectation of getting something in return. The key being the other person does the exact same thing. The reciprocity occurs naturally - but is not expected by either party. "I do because I care, not because it serves my purpose." However, although I do not give in order to receive your praise, if I give and give and you fail to show gratitude, at some point I will question whether or not you truly value me and my efforts. Friendship is an effort score and nothing more.

You undoubtedly have some people on your friend list with an effort score of zero. Think of those people...then ask yourself: "why are we still friends?" Are you still friends simply because you've known them for 20 years? Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? There's an economic principle called a "sunk cost" that states any investment-to-date should not influence decisions about the future because no matter what your decision, the investment has been made and cannot be recovered. This includes time. It's not as black and white as this when it comes to relationships and I recognize this...but you see what I'm getting at. This brings me to my second point: if you are growing personally and professionally your circle of friends should be ever-changing. Some go out, while others come in. 

I've come to believe and invite the idea that life is made up of "chapters". Each chapter involves new discoveries of self and surroundings, new challenges, new occupations, new cities, etc. Often chapters can seem so different they may as well be a world away. And with each chapter comes a new circle of people you choose to let into your life or who are thrown upon you due to circumstances. What we often fail to do is close one chapter as we begin a new one and we hang onto characters from old pages that have no place in the rest of our story. Who we are and our perspective on things are made up in large part by our interactions with others, and we often cross paths with people, sometimes only for a moment, who have a tremendous impact on our lives. They help shape who we are today. But that does not necessarily mean they have a place in the rest of our book. Sure, you'll pick up a few characters in each chapter who will follow you the rest of the way, or sometimes for several chapters - and these are your true friends - but no one has the emotional capacity to continually invest in every person they share a positive experience with. 

True friends will continually challenge you to be better, to do more, and to change for the better. True friends will support your growth and encourage you to think of things from a different angle. True friends will call out of the blue...for no reason at all.  Sometimes people fail to follow through in these areas and sometimes we have to be okay to let people go...and sometimes it's only to save ourselves. There is a big difference between acting selfishly and acting in self-interest and you need to be strong enough to accept you're okay with the latter before you can consciously change your circle for the better. 

I Hate Kids

I hate children. At least, that's what my friends think. I never imagined the combination of being in my early thirties, single, having my shit together, and being nowhere close to any sort of advertised planned acts of procreation would cause other people to come to this conclusion. "Hate" is a strong word, though. Let me be more accurate: I don't hate children. There is, however, a good chance I don't LIKE children. It is even more likely I don't like YOUR children. I have come to accept I don't enjoy being around most people's kids, nor do I have the patience to entertain them. I know I'm not alone in this but my openness about developing this opinion of the little devils has been my scarlet letter in recent years.

The truth is the older I get more and more people in my life are popping these little boogers out and the more conscious I've become of little persons when I'm in public places...and, frankly, the more the idea of having my own children scares the crap out of me (I'm convinced my increased exposure to children and my increased fear of them are directly correlated). But what am I to do? I feel an odd sense of guilt for not being in a hurry to create an army of me. Shouldn't I be injecting some good into this world? After all, I'm not a completely terrible guy, I have a loving family, great friends, a strong moral compass, a solid work ethic, and I can support a family if I choose to without adding to the nation's deficit. I assume I would raise a socially responsible contributing member of society if I were to reproduce...and isn't my responsibility to help future generations by passing on my not-so-completely-screwed-up DNA?

However, although I understand you're just trying to have a nice dinner with your family, who you undoubtedly rarely get to see since you work like crazy and all you really want is a few moments where you can all be together and that's really not too much to ask..but I'm also just trying to have a nice dinner because I also work like crazy and I really, really wish your kid would just freaking shut up! I wish he would not scream, not whine, sit back in his seat, stop throwing food on the floor and if he walks over and stares at me while I'm trying to eat one more time I'm going to flick mashed potatoes at him.

Terrible of me? Let's try a social experiment. I will get up from my table in a public place, walk up to you while you're eating and stand silently while watching you eat and lets see how long it takes the management to throw my ass out for being a creep. How has it become socially acceptable to allow kids to get away with things they would never be permitted to do as adults? I have zero patience in situations like this and just before I open my mouth I realize my beef is not with the little booger. My beef is with the you, the parent.

Sometimes I long for the days of Mad Men when any adult could slap a child for acting inappropriately in public but until someone figures out the whole space-time continuum thing I figure I'm stuck in the present, biting my tongue, smiling, and pretending to believe your munchkin is gifted and is likely the next President of the United States so I don't bruise his ego (or yours).

Even the jaded have moments of perspective, I suppose: I traveled to Dallas, Texas recently for work and extended my trip to catch up with a lifelong friend and his family whom I had not seen in several years and to endure three days in a house with a five-year-old and his four-year-old twin brothers...all three of them possessing only one mode: ON! It was the strangest thing...I had an absolute blast with these little guys. We spent our time playing with Legos, watching Star Wars, hiking trails, and finding ways to lock them out of my room so I could sleep past 6am.

These boys are pure energy. Non-stop energy. The sort of uninterrupted energy that forces you to consciously go to bed early just so you'll have enough in you to get up the next morning and do it all over again. But it was a pure, innocent, and respectful energy I had rarely experienced in children. They did not whine. They did not cry or fight or complain and although they never ceased speaking for more than 3 seconds what came out of their mouths was always positive, always polite, and usually involved laughter. There was zero down time and I loved every minute of it. What's worse is the moment I left that house I started to miss them. Me. The man who hates children, missing children! I wrestled with this for weeks, I assure you.

I obsessed about this after my departure trying to figure out why it was so different this time around and I realized it was in large part because of who I've chosen to surround myself with. As we get older our circle gets smaller (if we are growing as individuals) and if you are one of the few fortunate to hold on to one or two lifelong friendships from your youth there is no doubt your bond is stronger and more unique than anything you will establish in your adult life. What's also likely is those people have remained in your circle because you share many of the same values, morals, and vision for what you want your life to look like. What I didn't connect until after I returned home is the bond and the common elements my friend and I have shared since second grade have translated into the way he raises his children. I loved his kids because he has worked so hard to instill the sort of values, respect, and social awareness I would likely work to instill into my own and this conclusion brought about a new perspective.

There is no coincidence I have grown to enjoy the children of my closest of friends. It's proof habits and values (or lack of them) are certainly passed down from generation to generation and I felt thankful, and still do, to have great people in my life who, just by being and living and remaining in my life, remind me there is still a chance for this guy. That having my own children may not be as crazy or unbearable as it seems and that I might actually LIKE children, assuming they were my own...or his...or a few of yours...but it's not likely.

The Day I Stopped Caring and Got Everything I Ever Wanted

Life sucks. Life is hard. I hate my job. I hate people...or so it was posted each morning on my Facebook news feed. It used to baffle and bother me when people would post negative comments alluding to what seemed to be a miserable existence ("used to", as now I just delete them: problem solved). It bothered me for two reasons: first, I couldn't begin to understand how one could think for a moment it was socially acceptable to air out dirty laundry in a public forum like that and second, I failed to comprehend how people could be so miserable in the first place.

It was the moment I acknowledged the latter I realized I failed to empathize with miserable people because I was not; am not; have never been miserable. Of course, thinking too much as I always do, I wondered why I wasn't miserable. Moreover, when was the last time I was unhappy? Crap.  Either my memory was slipping as I approached 30 or it had been so long I simply couldn't recall. The "why", however, I did know. I failed to be miserable simply because I didn't care.

Let me explain: I grew up essentially "fatherless" (see, here is where I enter into a brief bio and assume I'm important enough you actually care about my personal life). Well, fatherless in the positive sense. I consider myself lucky to have had an example of what not to be when I grew up, as opposed to having no example at all. I had a lot of angst built up for no specific reason. I was a good student, solid athlete, and had a great core group of friends but, as many of you can recall, I couldn't go a single school year without getting suspended at least five or six times (the Wednesday ditch party was totally worth it, by the way...sorry, Mom!). In short, I had a major problem with authority. I, of course, thought I was always right (still do) and found it hilarious to see adults in positions of power get so worked up over the comments of a 17-year-old.

It was funny until I was nearly expelled my Junior year. To this day I know I was in the right regarding the incident in question but that's not the point. As I pleaded my case to my Grandfather he listened quietly, taking in every word and seemingly siding with me as I carefully crafted my argument for why I was right and "they" were wrong. For those of you who know my Grandfather, he needs no introduction. He was and is the positive father figure in my life and when he spoke, I listened. I doubt he ever knew how much his words influenced my perspective growing up and what he said next changed my life forever:

"It doesn't matter" he said. "Your perspective of who's right and who's wrong doesn't mean anything. It doesn't even matter who is actually right and who is actually wrong because you are not in control; they are. If you are unhappy with the decisions being made and with how things are being run you must learn to play by their rules. Otherwise, you're nothing but a troublemaker. You must play the game, give them what they want, and work your way into a position where you have the power to make decisions...and once you're there, you change everything." 

I immediately understood. Life is a chess game. The things beyond one's control matter very little in the greater scheme of things, for we are blessed to live in a country where if one works hard and plays by the rules he can work himself into a place where he makes the decisions and then, and only then, can he craft the world he wants to live in. This was the moment I stopped caring. I stopped caring about the crap; the things that used to set me off that I literally had zero control over. Traffic, bosses, coworkers, authority figures, computer crashes, flat tires, other people's stupidity...the list goes on.

The moment I stopped caring is the moment I began to get everything I ever wanted and it continues to be a race to see how quickly I can craft the world I want. Life is a series of chapters. Some seemingly have nothing in common with those preceding them, and it is not until we finish the book that we understand what a fluid and seamless tale it has been. It is the distraction of things we cannot control that effect our ability to complete chapters. If you do not like the page, keep reading, for if you keep reading the chapter and the story will eventually change and you will sleep better, love more, earn more, laugh more, and enrich the lives of others while simply living. If you can't read, learn how to play chess. You'll thank me, I promise. Or, perhaps you should thank my Grandfather.

I could not be more pleased with the progress...but 30 is just the beginning.

You're Just A Big Baby

People are like babies; one can say whatever he wishes to another and as long as it's presented in a positive tone with a smile on one's face the content matters very little. Don't believe me? Try saying this to a baby with a high pitch and a smile: "You're a stupid little baby! Yes, you are! Nobody likes you!" Did the baby smile? Of course he or she did. As children we respond to sounds and tones long before we understand the meaning of words. We learn to react to the energy and reactions of others as we grow- A toddler falls and immediately looks up to see who notices...adults show concern: toddler cries...adults laugh it off: toddler sucks it up. The problem is most of us never outgrow this and fail to control our emotions without outside influences.

Case in point: Occupy Wall Street. The economy is in bad shape. We are all painfully aware of this...but what if we weren't aware? What if no one ever told us the economy was bad? What if the tone in the news and among others was not one of sorrow and frustration and was instead one of, well, normalcy?

For our parents and grandparents the economy is drastically different than what they're used to. Things are extremely difficult, by comparison. What they've known to this point is: "if I purchase a mutual fund, it goes up over time; if I purchase a home it will be worth more in the future than it is today; if I get an advanced degree I will get a higher paying job..." and so on. Things are not that way any longer and for those of us who have or are entering the work force from roughly 2004 on we don't know any better.  For the rest of us the economy is not bad...it just IS.

I don't believe the economy is in bad shape because I, personally, have no reference point for comparison. All I know of the world is the way things are currently and, as a result, I know if I want to excel, thrive, or simply survive I have to work hard (seems odd to present this as some sort of revelation). We are no longer part of the "if I go to law school I will get a six-figure job" era. In fact, for most of my peers we were never part of that era, even if we went to law school expecting this outcome. So what if no one told you the economy stinks? What if people, instead, told you this was the way of the world? What if all you knew the economy to be was the way it is currently and not what you read or heard about historically? What if social programs and subsidies didn't exist? What if you had to compete for a job as opposed to simply landing one out of college? What if? What would YOU do?

I understand there are unfortunate circumstances and bad things happen to good people. Such is the way of the world and I feel very fortunate to have not landed on that side of things to this point. However, I have zero sympathy for people my age who expect what has not been earned. This, by the way, includes a job! The sooner you accept the economy is simply the way it is and learn to fight for what you want the better off you'll be. Think about it: if you can learn to thrive in today's climate imagine how great things will be when the economy returns to what our parents and grandparents grew accustomed to! You'll be so far ahead of the curve no one will ever catch you! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and blaming others for things you can control. Get to work. Can't "find" a job? I'm hiring...call me.

There is a fine line between optimism and ignorance and successful people walk through life with one foot on each side.

I'll Tell You Why...You Tell Me Why I'm Wrong

People tell me I’m always right.  It’s not that I’m always right; it’s just that I’m never proven wrong.

How much of what you say do you truly believe? All of it, of course.  That’s my answer, too...but it’s not true; most of the conversations we have every day are collaborative recreations of what we heard on the news the night before, read in the paper that morning, and overheard someone discussing in a restaurant last week.  We unconsciously script and plagiarize on a daily basis, regurgitating catch phrases and big words we often can’t define.  

Contrary to what we’re taught in school, plagiarism isn’t the problem.  After all, every idea is inspired by and built on an idea already established; points of view and opinions can not exist without a pre-existing foundation upon which to base our argument and, in a way, our beliefs are a hodgepodge of stolen puzzle pieces we collect over the years.  The problem is most cannot explain why they choose to hold on to the puzzle pieces they do.  

“Why?” is the only question necessary to dive into a person’s soul and psyche.  

Most cannot explain the reasoning behind their views because no one has ever asked them to...and political correctness is to blame.  In our efforts to force a utopian society we’ve taken the concept of equality and the right to think freely and skewed them until opinions are presented as truths in debate and we simply nod and respond with statements like “I see your point”...but just because you think does not mean you’re right. 

We’ve become accustomed to treading lightly, as not to offend and are too afraid to challenge one another on the fundamentals that make us who we are.  The result is conversations that sound important but do nothing more than scratch the surface and circle around important issues with no resolve.  

I’m not politically correct, nor am I easily offended.  I wish more people were this way.  I am not always right.  Challenge me and ask me why I believe what I do and I will respect you more for it.  You will be amazed to discover how many people begin backpedaling when you challenge their point with true conviction; you discover most don’t really know what they believe...but it is this process of discovery that leads to true understanding.  Don’t shy away from vulnerability - it will only make you stronger.

YOU HATE YOUR WEEKENDS

People tell me I work too much.  “Compared to what?” I ask. How many hours a week do you work? I don’t know how many hours I work each week.  I’ve never cared enough to track it.  A better question is “How many hours should one work per week?”  The answer is an indicator of one's value system (perhaps we can talk about that in another blog).

If I told you I work, on average, 60-80 hours each week you would think me a workaholic.  It's natural to compare a schedule to the standard 40-hour work week, born of the 5-day work week implemented at a time when employees were exploited to no end; work was scarce and people were starving.  You don’t want to work 14 hours per day, seven days a week? Okay, you’re fired.  There’s a line of workers waiting to take your place. Safety, sickness and injuries were major problems and the 5-day work week improved the American Worker’s health and lifestyle. 

Worker conditions have changed a bit over the last 100 years and "labor" is hardly what it was then...so is 40 still the right number?  

Is a farmer in harvesting season working dawn to dusk or a surgeon performing a 15-hour surgery to save a life working too much?  Surely you don’t put a time limit on cleaning the house, yard work, or on being a good parent or partner...”sorry, Bobby, can’t play ball today - we’ve already had two hours of father/son time this week.”  Like the farmer or the surgeon you put in as much time as it takes to get the job done.  How much do I work?  As much as I need to...and I love every minute of it.

Yes, I love the 60+ hours I work every week...so why don’t you love your 40 hours?  The problem isn’t the work load, coworkers, the hours invested, or the job itself.  The problem isn’t you work too much; the problem is you don’t know how to spend your free time.  

I don’t sleep much.  There’s no time.  

The Math:

There are 168 hours in a week.  56 hours (33%) are devoted to sleep (assuming you sleep 8 hours per night) and 40 hours (24%) are devoted to work (for most).  This leaves 72 hours (43%) to devote to free time.  There’s only one problem: you’re relying on only 24% of your life to financially support the other 76%!  If you expect to increase the quality of your free time you must be prepared to spend more than 24% of your time working...which means either the amount of free time or sleep have to give.  You can have more free time or higher quality free time but, as a general rule, you cannot have both...so stop searching for "balance".

You go back to work on Monday morning feeling unfulfilled and unrested...”Here we go again! Monday already”.  Why aren’t you refreshed after spending the weekend sleeping in, watching TV on the couch, and eating out?  Truth is you hate your weekends.  You don’t know how to spend your free time.  Rest means rest of the mind - a distraction from the demands of work, not physically lounging around doing nothing.  Your mind and body still need stimulation and this comes in the form of interactions with friends, debate and conversation, exercise, travel, Faith, projects, hobbies, etc. Not TV, potato chips, or waking up at 10am. The happiest people in the world are productive people.  Rethink how you spend your free time.  If you’re not exhausted at the end of your weekend you’re not doing it right.  

I promise you if you're tired on Sunday night from an exhausting weekend you'll enjoy work more that coming week than you ever have.  Work is the means to an end...suck it up and live it up.