Bullying is the New Black

You better hope to God your kid gets bullied at some point in his/her life...and the earlier on the better. I firmly believe bullying is the key to what we're now calling a "mental health crisis" in the US and the truth is our lives may very well depend on it. Not following? Bare with me...we'll get there:

We've morphed from the concept that "I am free to think differently" into an expectation that "my thoughts (and actions), no matter how different or strange, must be respected and validated".  The need to see our individuality validated is predominately a modern American phenomenon...but there is a difference between carving out legislation to recognize individuality and true tolerance; meaning we can make it illegal to discriminate or act on prejudices publicly but that does not eradicate hateful or discriminatory thoughts. In fact, certain legislation can at times make it more difficult to detect the injustices that previously resided on the surface. 

And so here's my point: we can only fight and navigate through what we can see. The idea it is possible to reach a state of utopia, completely free from judgement and prejudices, is a fairy tale. And in our effort to promote this fairy tale we've allowed people to slip through the cracks and grow up to become very scary and threatening adults. I'm referring to the "weirdos" and we all know who these people are. We interact with them daily and can't quite put our finger on it but they're different. And not in a creative or artistic way. They make us uncomfortable- but God forbid we should say something about it! We don't want to be offensive, after all. So we keep our thoughts to ourselves. 

Call it Political Correctness. Call it what you want but we've permitted behaviors that would seem to indicate minor to severe mental dysfunction that would have raised serious red flags a few decades ago to go on with little or no opposition for fear of seeming intolerant or insensitive. But there are "differences" of opinion, religious conviction, lifestyle, etc...then there's just plain "weird" and we owe it to society to call attention to the weirdos because if we don't let them know they're weird, how will THEY ever know their concept of reality is off?

To my point above, we can attempt to shield our kids from bullying, from injustices, from ridicule. But insulating them by promoting utopia does not eradicate the underlying prejudices. Kids make fun of kids. Kids push other kids around. Kids take other kids' lunch money. Kids are little assholes. But did we forget how crucial these experiences were to us in our development? We learned how to cope with rejection, defend ourselves with words (or with fists, if necessary), be diplomatic, navigate the politics of relationships, and we learned what was and was not considered socially acceptable before we ever became adults. Take those experiences away and every year we run the risk of graduating a new class of young adults into society who do not have the skills to cope with the harshness of the real world. 

"He always seemed a little off"..."He dressed strangely and kept to himself"..."There was always something weird about him"..."He didn't have many friends"...are the ways in which people often describe those who have carried out the disgusting crimes against the innocent in mass shootings over the last 20 years. The realizations are always in hindsight - the validation of odd behavior always comes after the tragedy. But what if this person's behavior was discussed openly much sooner? What if the weirdo factor was called out the moment it began to manifest itself? What if he were permitted to feel awkward about his odd thoughts instead of being allowed to operate unabated, finding an online forum where he could reinforce his destructive tendencies with other weirdos who slipped through the cracks of society...what if he were bullied as a child for being...well...weird?

The truth is no one knows the answer to that question but there are two possible outcomes: 1) He would have been forced to learn how to cope with rejection early in life, forcing his emotional development and would have found it to be easier to abandon unhealthy thoughts and assimilate to social norms of what is generally considered appropriate, morally right or wrong, etc.  Or 2) He would have been pushed to the breaking point as an adolescent, acting out in ways that would make it easier to identify a true mental instability long before he be permitted to enter society, hold down a job, buy a gun, etc. 

No one wants to see their child cry after being emotionally accosted...but if kids are not allowed to face open judgement, harsh words, ill intent, and ridicule, they will never learn to cope with and navigate these very real challenges they're destined to face in adulthood. What we should do is talk with kids and teach them coping skills when these altercations take place as opposed to trying to eliminate or hide the behavior. 

Learning to cope with adversity and rejection supports a society of adults who can actually handle their shit and won't fly off the handle and lash out when they lose a job or break up with a girlfriend.  So please, encourage your kids to call it like they see it and let them get their feelings hurt. They need it. While we're at it you really should stop worrying about offending others and should do the same. If there's awkwardness, call it out. It's your responsibility to society. 

 

Your Friends Suck

Your friends suck. You haven't come to recognize it yet but chances are they are not really friends at all; they're people you spend time with and with whom you share some things in common. But they don't actually care about you. Not most of them, anyway...and we both know it's time to make some changes and I'm here to tell you it's okay. If your circle is not changing, you are not growing. 

Don't believe me? Let's first discuss what true friendship is. We likely have different criteria to be considered for this exclusive membership of sorts but one thing cannot be debated: any meaningful relationship should be based on "selfless reciprocity". Meaning, you do for another without the expectation of getting something in return. The key being the other person does the exact same thing. The reciprocity occurs naturally - but is not expected by either party. "I do because I care, not because it serves my purpose." However, although I do not give in order to receive your praise, if I give and give and you fail to show gratitude, at some point I will question whether or not you truly value me and my efforts. Friendship is an effort score and nothing more.

You undoubtedly have some people on your friend list with an effort score of zero. Think of those people...then ask yourself: "why are we still friends?" Are you still friends simply because you've known them for 20 years? Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? There's an economic principle called a "sunk cost" that states any investment-to-date should not influence decisions about the future because no matter what your decision, the investment has been made and cannot be recovered. This includes time. It's not as black and white as this when it comes to relationships and I recognize this...but you see what I'm getting at. This brings me to my second point: if you are growing personally and professionally your circle of friends should be ever-changing. Some go out, while others come in. 

I've come to believe and invite the idea that life is made up of "chapters". Each chapter involves new discoveries of self and surroundings, new challenges, new occupations, new cities, etc. Often chapters can seem so different they may as well be a world away. And with each chapter comes a new circle of people you choose to let into your life or who are thrown upon you due to circumstances. What we often fail to do is close one chapter as we begin a new one and we hang onto characters from old pages that have no place in the rest of our story. Who we are and our perspective on things are made up in large part by our interactions with others, and we often cross paths with people, sometimes only for a moment, who have a tremendous impact on our lives. They help shape who we are today. But that does not necessarily mean they have a place in the rest of our book. Sure, you'll pick up a few characters in each chapter who will follow you the rest of the way, or sometimes for several chapters - and these are your true friends - but no one has the emotional capacity to continually invest in every person they share a positive experience with. 

True friends will continually challenge you to be better, to do more, and to change for the better. True friends will support your growth and encourage you to think of things from a different angle. True friends will call out of the blue...for no reason at all.  Sometimes people fail to follow through in these areas and sometimes we have to be okay to let people go...and sometimes it's only to save ourselves. There is a big difference between acting selfishly and acting in self-interest and you need to be strong enough to accept you're okay with the latter before you can consciously change your circle for the better.